Currently watching John Terry crying on my new iPad and laughing my ass off!

The first blog of 2010; and that’s not in a ‘its new year isn’t everything gonna be great, im gonna change my ways, ooops ive slipped into the old routine again’ kind of way, just a fact.

Why do natural disasters tend to happen around New Year?

Anyway I’ll keep this shit up to date for a change so this short blog will just cover what’s happened so far.

TV – Newswipe BBC4 Tuesdays at 10pm-ish.

Internet - Tabloid Watch.

Sport – Ski Jumping.

Sunny Delight tanned Alex Reid became the darling of the nation by winning ‘Celebrity’ Big Brother, helped by the fact that he’s on the same wave length as the people who vote on that shit.

Avatar became the highest grossing film ever; ‘Dance’s with Wolves in Space in 3D’ is really good and well worth checking out.

Snow caused chaos around Britain, for those of you who don’t remember my rant about the snow last year, check it out, but for those that do…. it still applies.

Apple announce their new iPad device that’s an iPhone but bigger. If I see someone with one at a table near me loudly explaining how cool it is, that fist coming through the iPad towards your face will not be a 3D app motherfucker!

Rage Against the Machine was Christmas number 1, im sure you were as delighted as I was, was your face showing a smug grin of someone who didn’t download it?

And finally, John Terry…. im not going to rant about what England should do with the captaincy, is he fit/deserve to etc

All I know is that those who are calling for his head probably wanted / thought he deserved to be captain in the first place. Even though he already had cheated on his wife, was caught up in nightclub scuffles on numerous occasions, drunkenly harassed American tourists after 9/11 and generally acts as a twat who is above normal people and should be allowed to act and to be treated that way.

He was always a bad egg and the FA should have known better as they had previously banned him from playing for England because of his behaviour.

Big ego-ed bastard deserves everything he gets.

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Selby

"If there was a category for worst ever show, it would win hands down" Michael Parkinson

I feel that it’s my duty to report that the other night a part of my soul died. I’ve managed to waste time before, in fact I excel at it, but the other night I watched Channel Five’s ‘Live at Studio Five’. It’s an attack on all your senses that’s so terrifying I’m expecting it to be classified as a term of torture by the UN. You shield your eyes from the dazzling white studio as if your TV has been replaced by the sun. This is only eclipsed by the shine off Melinda Messengers false smile and teeth. Your ears are constantly under the strain of Ian Wright trying to string a sentence together and coming off worse then a poor Glaswegian pensioner who’s had a stroke. Your poor brain is trying to comprehend the news topics being discussed. Its on par with a glue sniffer explaining the page of The Sun that he’s wiping his arse with, to his cardboard box sharing, needle ridden, pregnant dog. I’m against any man hitting a woman but in Kate Walsh I will make an exception. She seems as shallow as a puddle of piss, but I get the strange satisfaction from the fact that she seems to really hate herself, fingers crossed that she self harms. But the most terrifying aspect of this abomination is that it appears that Melinda Messenger plays the sense card, the moral high ground in which the viewer agrees with and lets the other two morons argue their retarded cases against. If Melinda Messenger is the new voice of the people, can I class myself as no longer British or even human.

‘Live at Studio Five’ makes ‘What Kate did Next’ look as powerful as Schindlers List. It’s just a shame we can’t gas all those who made this program, well I can try.

Dear Jim

Can you fix it for me…

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Selby

And the Nobel Prize for comedy goes too....

Dan Antopolski might wake up this morning with a smug grin on his face. One which combines quiet satisfaction with a big ‘fuck you all’. An athlete can win Olympic gold, Scientists its a Nobel Prize, Jade Goody its Big Brother, each has a pinnacle to reach, and Dan has reached his. Dan is a comedian who has just won ‘funniest joke’ at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Instantly you want to know the joke which won it for Dan, and a close second is the feeling that you want to hate the joke. Stand by….

“Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?”

I’m sorry but did I snap my funny bone seconds before I read it? Is that it!
Looking down the top 10 jokes list didn’t help either.
(Although kudos to “I went on a girls night out recently. The invitation said ‘dress to kill’. I went as Rose West.”)

But comedy is all about the delivery, the way the joke is told.
Expressive movement – Lee Evans;
Enthusiasm – Billy Connelly;
Tone of voice - Rich Hall (deadpan) Joe Pasquale (high pitched).

(Actually scrap Joe Pasquale, he shouldn’t be mentioned as a comedian, I wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire)

So next time someone tells you a joke they recently heard and they laugh in a ‘I've got piss all down me leg’ fashion - whilst you stand there with a face like your trying to keep in a massive fart. Remember that no matter how shit the joke is, if you were there, you probably would have got a hernia from laughing at an award winning joke.

(Unless it was from Jim Davidson)


P.S. It’s great to finally have an internet connection, sorry about the delay since the last post but your not bothered so never mind.

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Selby

Call 118 to compare the online bingo.com

Adverts on television are meant to grab your attention with either a quirky tune or funny/outrageous stunts and scenes – some are even crazier by using well produced cinematography – the crazy bastards. Occasionally I will see an advert that I like, but the majority fit in the hair pulling category, ‘compare the meerkat.com’ ...death. I don’t blame the company behind the adverts, television is still the number one media outlet in my opinion – the annoying adverts creep up on you and without notice you remember them whilst in a completely inappropriate scenario, ‘I need a shit’...call 118..damm!?! However some adverts appear which makes me wonder who buys this? – who goes there? – who eats that? You tend to see the latest trends disappear as quickly as they appeared.

The latest which really grinds my gears – giggidy- is the online bingo adverts. With the greatest respect to those people that play online bingo....who the fuck plays online bingo! Seriously what the hell. Since I have never played bingo I might be getting this all wrong but I doubt it, I repeat who plays online bingo? It seems staggeringly dull; at least bingo halls contain other morons to grunt at, as well as a bar to drink yourself into an early grave which thankfully will reprieve public services from your dependency. The site of a fox dancing to night fever is meant to lure you into disposing some of your dole money – it’s a dancing fox and their called foxy bingo!...wow. Cheeky bingo? Wtf! There are millions of them, every break contains a £50 wealthier silly cow sitting at a PC screaming in delight – it’s not online bingo she’s watching I bet. We will match your first £20 deposit, great, more slips for me to watch until 9am the next morning... have the kids gone to school? The greatest line these people use to entice people to play is....ready for it...you can chat to your mates online. Oh well that great, thank you very much, how did I ever manage before online without that function...will finish this blog later cos I’m currently on Facebook and IM...chatting to mates.

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Selby

I know you can't but don't move!

One of the funnier things I saw last week was not Comic Relief (after 10pm it was immensely shit) but the story of Victor Anichebe and his friend getting into trouble with the law outside a jewellery shop. The police presumably saw the two men as suspicious characters as they looked at the jewellery on display in the window. Five officers swooped on the suspicious pair and handcuffed Anichebe’s friend, told Anichebe not to move, and confiscated his getaway aid.
Unfortunately for cops Victor Anichebe is a Premiership footballer with Everton who earns £15,000 per week. When the pair told the police this they didn’t believe them and preceded to arrests them, until one of the cops realised there mistake. What idiots...it didn’t help the police when it was revealed that Anichebe was wearing a cast around his leg from an injury and the getaway aid that the police quickly confiscated from him.... his fucking crutches.

Here’s something to bring you down, the government’s top medical advisor has drawn up plans for a minimum price on alcohol. Professor Sir Liam Donaldson is set to call for a ban on drinks being sold for less than 50p per alcoholic unit - it would mean most bottles of wine would cost at least £4.50. What complete horseshit, why are we the only country that thinks taxing something to the hilt or banning it is the only way of dealing with issues? The cheap and easy solution once again.
You see adverts for alcohol everywhere, football shirts, billboards, TV – the majority targeted at youngsters, ‘have you got a wkd side?’ shit I’ve been brainwashed... But will the government act on that? Course not; it’s just another way of filling their coffers – which they’ve spectacularly emptied recently.

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Selby

Have you had your weekly FX?

Do you or have you at any time watched television? Yes. Good because I think, and therefore it is right, that The Wire is the greatest TV show ever made. Yes, that is what I believe and surprisingly it may seem that some people actually agree with me. The Wire has been acclaimed as the most accomplished TV series ever. It started as a cop show set in Baltimore projects with drugs, gangs, poverty, crime and alcoholic police as the cast, but it quickly grew into an epic piece of television drama. Stuck out on Channel FX, you might not have even heard of the show, may I make a suggestion of Series 1 DVD box set my good friends.

Channel FX has been showing a new series from the writers of The Wire called Generation Kill; we’re up to episode 5 of 7 at the moment. Generation Kill from HBO tells the story of the first 40 days of the 2003 Iraq war through the eyes of a group of young US marines. The drama is based on a book by Rolling Stone reporter Evan Wright, who was assigned to a US marine unit during the second Iraq war. The series is mind blowing – it has quick humour, intense set pieces, great cinematography and a script that’s sharper then a marine’s knife.

Could The Wire or Generation Kill been British productions? Never in a million years, never could they have been made in Britain by the BBC, ITV or Channel 4. For those of you that have seen either show, just imagine it being broadcast as a new BBC series on BBC 2 on a Sunday night at 10pm –no me neither. Future series such as The Listener, The Shield and Mad Men are going to be out there, it’s just can you be arsed to find them?

So my advice is to hunt around, most people spend hours watching TV but stick to the same old format of a handful of channels. Channel FX is just one of many, but without it I would have never seen the shows without risking a DVD purchase. Use your remote; you can refuse to watch crap TV if you want to.

Finally hands up who’s watching The Oscars ® tonight.........just me then. Here’s my list of winners, check back tomorrow to see how right I am.

Best Film, Slumdog Millionaire - Best Director, Danny Boyle (Slumdog Millionaire) – Best Actor, Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler) – Best Actress, Kate Winslet (The Reader) – Best Supporting Actor, Heath Ledger (The Dark Knight) – Best Supporting Actress, Taraji P Henson (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button): Slumdog to win at least 5 Oscars ®.

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Selby

Ticket 108, you are the greatest!

Sorry non sport fans but im sure you’ll find something in here for you. Did you watch England’s footballing lesson in Spain on Wednesday? History will not remember the game itself, but only for the moment when David Beckham equalled Bobby Moore’s record of 108 caps. The press seem to be obsessed with the amount of caps a player receives, especially a player of Beckham’s stature. Comparisons between the two former England captains have been made, is Beckham worthy of passing Moore’s record? Has he won a number of meaningless caps recently by coming on as a late substitute?

My own view is that directly comparing the two is pointless as the eras and positions in which both played are vastly different, but by highlighting a few career facts we can make a better judgment.

The image of Moore lifting the Jules Rimet Trophy in 1966 rates as the greatest achievement by any Englishman in the history of football. In fact Moore was excellent during his three World Cups; the great Pele swapped his shirt with Moore at the end of their group match in Mexico ’70 as a mark of respect for his performance.

Beckham has never really performed in an equalling 3 World Cups, mainly due to injury, red cards or individual mistakes. His inclusion in the 2002 World Cup does question the then manager Sven Goren Erickson who picked a clearly unfit Beckham which contributed to England’s exit. In the sweltering heat of Shizuoka, a suffering Beckham jumped out of a tackle to save his recovering metatarsal injury which led to Rivaldo’s equaliser. During Euro 2004 Beckham’s normal dead ball expertise let him down when missing crucial penalties against France and in the shoot-out defeat with Portugal.

Beckham did provide Moore-esc moments to his career, especially his dignified resignation of the England captaincy and the way he has set about trying to regain his England place there-on after. Beckham’s exemplary behaviour off the field both personally and as England captain has to be respected as is Beckham by football fans around the world. He was treated like a pop star during the 2002 World Cup in Japan and was given a standing ovation when being substituted when winning his 100^th cap in a friendly defeat in the hostile Stade de France.

The two can never be compared, but they both should be equally admired as great England captains. The late Bobby Moore; the gentleman of football. David Beckham; the great ambassador under the spotlight. Oh and the argument that Beckham is winning caps for nothing by coming on late as a substitute, for the record, Beckham started 99 times out of his 108 caps.

Shit hair, thick and too slow though...

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Selby